Monday, 13 April 2015

A letter to you on your 2nd Birthday

Dear Lukas,

Happy 2nd Birthday my precious little angel. It has been a hard day today for mummy. Its been like any other day except I have been carrying a deep sadness in my heart, I didn't want today to be like any other day, I wanted to make it special just for you, but nothing went according to plan.
I feel, infact I know that your birthday this year has been so much harder for me to process than last year, maybe its because I had distraction of family and I was busy with making everything perfect for you, you deserve nothing less than perfection my son , this year I couldn't complete that and I'm sorry. I felt so lonely and helpless, I even felt like no one thinks its a big deal now. Your first birthday was such a milestone, your 2nd birthday and every other birthday after that should be too.
I went to see you at your spot today, but it was just not the same, I cried for the first time in awhile and I remembered that long drive back from the day on your service, It took me back to that day and for a moment I felt like that nothing will ever make it better. My tears flowed for you today my baby boy.
Lukas, I hope you know how much I love you, miss you and wish to this day you were here. Happy 2nd birthday my son and I'm sorry.

Love,
Mummy

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Hope is being brave.

This afternoon I was planning to take a self portrait of me in some flowy dress to show off my baby bump in a blissful radiant and glowing fashion. I was quite determined until I looked in my wardrobe and realized I'm not feeling very radiant at all and getting changed finding the right outfit just takes too much energy at the moment. I'm feeling quite the opposite really. I'm tired, uncomfortable and feeling both physically and emotionally heavy. This is me at 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant. No make up, hair roughly pinned up, wearing my worn out pink slippers and maternity pants that I've literally lived in for the past 9 months.
I'm 6 days away from meeting my baby girl. I had my last midwife appointment today. Everything is well, I'm well, baby is well, everything is expected to go well. I'm happy but not overly excited, I'm scared but not to the point that I'm blinded with fear. I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm in a neutral state of conscious to protect myself.
This pregnancy has been so much different. I've had my fair share of meltdowns and anxiety episodes. My mind races especially in the midst of the dark and silent night where I lay in bed just going over and over the possibilities of something going wrong. and then I have flash backs of seeing Lukas all wired up in hospital and then dying in my arms.

I then tell myself and bubs that everything is going to be OK, even though I don't know if its true. Its called hope, hope is the only thing I can attach myself to, hope for the best.

I wish I didn't have to hope, I wish I could go into this birth naive and innocent. But all that was swept away when Lukas died.

I know how sudden things can change from the perfect blessed dream to a nightmare in hell. I know how unexpected death can come to your doorstep. I know the worse feeling a parent could ever feel is missing your child forever. I know what a shattered heart feels like when all your dreams have been battered in grief.

It has left me balancing between 2 worlds. One where I miss my son and the other where I long to see my daughter in my arms to stay. It has left me right in the center where all I can do is HOPE.

Hope is the the only thing I can hold onto. Hope is being brave because I've nearly reached the end of this pregnancy even though I'm still scarred and broken from loosing my baby boy.

In 6 days I get to meet this little life inside of me. In 6 days I hope I get to hold her, fuss over her and breath her in. I hope I get to listen to her sweet cries, look into her eyes and bring her home forever.





Tuesday, 24 June 2014

Dreams

It was the day of the service, the day that we would have to say goodbye to Lukas's sweet little face forever. I panicked and buckled up Lukas into his capsule in the car and drove, I drove and drove to nowhere but infinity knowing that if I decided to turn back he would be gone forever. I glance back at him and he's awake, I tell myself this cant be true, I can't make out what exactly is happening but I have this strong feeling that I know its wrong, that as much as I wish it was true its not and I start feeling this heavy feeling..a forced feeling of knowing that I have to say goodbye but I don't want to.

Lukas is in his white little casket , I look at him one more time. The casket lid is about to be placed on but just as its about to close, he wakes up again, I don't understand.We try to say goody several times but we cant, because he keeps waking up.

These are the dreams I have been having lately - I can't quite make out what they mean, but maybe I do and I just don't want to accept it.
- I wake up from these dreams drenched in that same heavy feeling , I start worrying for him, I think that perhaps I'm not letting him rest in peace because the more time pass's by the more I long for him and wish he was here. I worry about if he is loved and taken care of where he is and if he is then by who. I cant shake that feeling of having to say goodbye, letting him go, trusting that's he's OK. I just want him here.


Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Life is a gift.



Thirteen months ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Lukas. This photo captured the instant moment where everything was perfect, here we were admiring in relief that he was finally here. I held him on my chest, he cried and I saw his big brown eyes, a special moment that only lasted a moment. Minutes after this photo was taken Lukas started deteriorating rapidly to the point that he stopped breathing and even through they managed to resuscitate and bring him back the damage was already done. We would later learn that his condition was critical and we would not bring him home - a couple of hours later he passed away in my arms and till this day I still don't understand how or why this could happen.

Lukas's brief but beautiful life has made such an impact in my life, I am a better and stronger person because of him. Bereaved mothers are the most strongest people I know - we can go through the most devastating tragedy of loosing a child but yet live on while carrying a constant heartbreak in our hearts knowing every single day that our child is missing.

Losing Lukas has taught me that this life is unexpected, life can suddenly turn in a way that leaves you confused and angry. Life sometimes has no answers to our questions. Life can be a thief and steal the most precious thing you love. For a long time I felt cheated and tricked that living and feeling that moment where everything was perfect was a lie, I questioned myself how can God be so cruel to give me something so precious, to let me actually feel it, see it and hear it and then take it away just like that. I sometimes still think like that....but I have come to realise that life and everything in it is a gift, I experienced the most unbelievable grief and yet survived because life is a gift, every life is a gift no matter how short or long. Lukas was my gift, our gift, a gift we never got to keep but a gift we continue to honor and celebrate though the love we have for him. He gave us the gift of love, and un-explainable love, all the memories we have of him are all in pure love, he lived in love all his life and his love continues to shine upon us every single day and that is something I never want to forget.


Tuesday, 11 March 2014

How did I survive?

Did I ever think that I would be where I am today 11 months ago?

No.

I think back exactly at the moment when Lukas died, the days that followed, the weeks that never stopped and the months that have somehow accumulated into a year (nearly). I think back when my whole world collapsed in front of my eyes, I was never going to find my way out of the rubble.

So how am I still here? How am I not dwelling into that dark corner of darkness with dusty eyes that I could not see the rays of light? How did I manage to eventually find my way out of the rubble?

How did I survive?

I don't know how I survived, but I did and I continue to survive every day.

Every day is a new day, each day is unexpected. I face different situations, places and people.Perhaps it will be a day where something painfully reminds me that my baby isn't here. Like the pregnant mother that I would see walking past my house every day, and now shes walking with the baby in the pram, or hearing the cries of a newborn baby from next door. These situations sometimes push me to the edge, but I remind myself that I do not want this burden of grief on anyone, the constant "what ifs" and "whys" that spin around in my head, no one deserves that. I also remind myself I don't know what other battles other people are facing, perhaps that mother I see walking has had a loss of her own.

Its hard, it pretty dam hard, but I've come to discover that I can be strong. I can face these things and carry on with life. I can carry on even though the pain is floating on the first layer of my heart because its not deep enough to store away , it just sits there always making me conscious that things should be different. But I cant change anything and that does hurt,but even through this pain of the constant stabs, wounds and scars I still want to live my life courageously, I want to fight all the battles that come my way, yes I got knocked down quite a few times, and surely there's more KO's to overcome but I want to get up every time with my head held up high , I want to lift up my fist to this unpredictable, cruel but beautiful life and fight it with every beating heart.

I want to live my life in a way that one day when I'm old and frail I can say with out a doubt: "I had a good life, I survived, I am the woman I always wanted to be, a strong woman filled with joy and happiness, a free spirit not condemned to darkness and pain, yes I lost a child and the pain is indescribable , but I carried on for him, my beating heart has lived for him, every single heart beat has been for my children and I'm happy I did that. It was OK to feel sad, angry, lonely and dwell into the suffering but I was brave for I knew it would not be like that forever, I turned all that into something beautiful, transformed all of it into a beautiful life of compassion and love. I went through hell but I came out enlightened. I had a good life.






Friday, 14 February 2014

Stuck in a sticky spot.

As time gets closer to Lukas's birthday and angel-versary, and as time gets more confusing and complicated around our next plan to try again. I'm stuck in what feels like a sticky spot. I have my feet firmed on the ground but I feel like I am not getting anywhere. There is so much to do, so much to think about. And the truth is I'm stressing quietly. I am battling what should be Lukas's birthday coming up with instead ordering a headstone, and financially not really being able to afford it, yet I know it will be done with the love and help from family. I wish all I had to worry about was what sort of cake I will be getting not asking for charity. And then I'm bombarded with all this fertility information, suggestions and questions.
Do we really need to see a specialist? Its so expensive. Will it ease our worry? Will it really solve our problems or will we be left stranded again with no answers. I can just imagine it now, "everything is OK, Its just one of those things that happen."
The more that time speeds past me the more I panic that I am only getting older and I cant help but freak out and dramatically think of the worse scenario..forward 10 years later and we have no rainbow(s) (I know how dramatic I may sound) .
Its been 2 years since the day we decided we wanted more children. How easy it was that day as we joked that we would have at least 2 more quite close together. That day was exciting. How naive it was of us to talk about it not knowing that 2 years later we would still be trying. After 2 miscarriages and loosing our perfect Lukas, it feels like the more we want to have another baby the harder it is getting.
Will we ever get our little bundle of joy? Will we ever see the rainbow after this storm?

Saturday, 11 January 2014

Acknowledging Lukas



Following the weeks after we lost Lukas, the thought of having a headstone was something I couldn't bare thinking about. Its was something beyond imagination, there was no way I was going to get a headstone for my baby boy, they represent death and are cold and so official.
However somehow the weeks have turned into months, and my thoughts have changed. I feel as its time to acknowledge his identity this way, acknowledge the place where we said our last goodbye and the place where he lays. This sacred place. I feel comfortable with the idea of getting one now in contrast to the objection at first. I have given myself time, and have realized its all part of this journey. I don't think I ever would have thought of myself to be in this position in those early days where his death was just cold and cruel. My heart has warmed up a little, well actually a lot and this warmness I feel is something I want to embrace. I promised Lukas I would do everything I can to keep his memory alive, and this is part of it but its also a part of the healing and a part of his story.





We are currently trying to raise money to go towards his headstone, if you wish to donate please deposit to the following. 
Lukas's Memorial Fund
38-9001-0262716-03

or PayPal using the following email
cassy.83@hotmail.com

Or if you wish to purchase one of my Shine bright mason jars which also go towards his headstone please click here Shine Bright Mason Jars

We appreciate every small donation with all our hearts and we thank you so very much. Thank you for being part of Lukas's story xxx