The beginning: 9 months of beauty
The moment I found out I was pregnant again (after a early miscarriage) I was in so much joy. I knew this pregnancy was going to be special. I couldn't wait to start showing my bump because it was something I was so proud of. I felt so comfortable being pregnant and during those 9 months of beauty I took as many photos of my growing belly as I could. I loved the sensation of my baby kicking and tumbling around inside me , I loved how my hubby, daughter and I were creating a bond with this little boy straight from the start. They would place their hands on my belly as we watched TV. Justin would always be surprised with every kick and say "that's my boy". My hubby couldn't wait to have a son, my daughter couldn't wait to finally be a sister, I couldn't wait to be a mum to a boy.
The labor and birth : A perfect moment
I heard his feisty cry and the moment I saw him and lifted him up to my chest I fell in love in an instant. He grizzled and talked, he was very vocal, his eyes were wide open, he was perfect and beautiful. I was completely over the moon that he had finally arrived. Justin and Anjelina were admiring him by my bedside, Anjelina was overwhelmed in tears of joy and love. I rocked him in my arms against my chest and told him he was alright and that mummy's here, I looked into his big brown eyes and I kissed his forehead. As I held him in my arms the umbilical cord was cut. Little did I know this perfect moment was soon to end, it would be the first and last time I see his beautiful eyes open, the first and last time I hear him, the first and last time I touch his warm skin against mine.
The Shock : "We have a flat baby"The midwife was rubbing him with heated towels. She kept rubbing and rubbing Suddenly she took him off my arms and placed him on the baby table , she gave him gas, she pushed the emergency button. A herd of docters and nurses came rushing in, I laid there all exposed, legs open, bleeding, exhausted, in shock and confused as to what was happening. It felt like complete chaos. I look over to my left and all I see is a blue baby. My mum and daughter are told to leave the room.The nurses kept reassuring me that "he was going to be OK , I didn't respond. A docter yells out "we have a flat baby" he grabs him and runs out. I'm left lying there, wondering what in earth is happening. I don't remember much from here as its a blur, I think I was in denial as to what was happening or maybe it was just complete shock. The midwife comes back to check me, she's worried about some fluid I'm leaking, the docter checks it, stitches me up and it turns out nothing to be worried about, I get up, I don't know where Justin is at this point, I have a shower, I feel dizzy and sick. I get changed, the midwife tells me Lukas needs to be transferred to Hamilton where they have a more equipped neonatal intensive care unit. Mum and Anjelina have to go home so Justin drops them off. I tell my daughter that everything was alright and that we will see her soon. I'm left alone in the room for what felt like hours. I get up and walk over to the other unit where Lukas was. He doesn't look well, his skin is a blue tint and hes hooked up to wires and tubes and a ventilator, hes so cold. The pediatrician gives me what sounds like a speech, I don't understand any of it. I start feeling like I'm drifting away, her voice sounds like its miles away, I feel ill. I start swaying and tell her I think I'm going to pass out. She gets me a chair and a drink. I come back, she tells me a special team from Waikato are travelling here by helicopter to transfer him, I ask if I can be with him, she says no because there would be too much weight on-board. The team arrives, they seem too patient and oblivious to how I was feeling inside, I wanted them to fix him right there and now, they talk among themselves, all I could do was watch. Justin comes back, the nurses tell us it would be a good idea to start making our way to Waikato, I kissed my little baby, and touched his hand, he grasps my finger which would be the first and last time I feel his grip, I took some photos and told him I'll see him soon. Justin packed my bags and only 2 hours after giving birth to Lukas, I walked to the car park and we made our 2 hour drive to the hospital . It was a foggy and gloomy night, I fall asleep....
The next 24 hours: Joy, Hope and LossWe arrive at the hospital. We make out way to the NICU ward. They had just arrived a couple of minutes before us. We see Lukas and he's looking much better already. The docter gives us an update, he's unsure to what might be causing him not to circulate enough oxygen around his tiny body, it could be his lungs, it could be his heart. We don't know. I want to touch him, but we cant stimulate him too much as hes so sensitive, I touch his hand and there's no grip this time. They have had to paralyze him so he doesn't fight against the ventilator. I remember the docter telling me that I needed as much rest as possible because in a couple of days my milk would come through and he would need feeding, that never happened. I feel sick again, I need to sit down. Everything is such a blur again. We leave the room and spend the next couple of hours just pacing around the corridors We start making a few phone calls to family and friends. It all seems like a nightmare, and I desperately want to wake up. The team keep updating us about his progress but I don't understand anything. All I see is them poking him with needles and giving him drug after drug. By this time I don't know how we were even standing, I was past the point of exhaustion that I was just running on adrenalin, fear and hope. Sometime in the afternoon, one of the nurses tell me that he isn't doing too good. We rush into see him, it looked like he was having a seizure or was it just the ventilator at full blast? The docter says, "I'm afraid we might loose him" and asks us if we want a Chaplin to come in. I don't hesitate , I was willing to hold onto any hope. Lukas's heart stops, the team are working on him doing CPR, I break down in tears and shock. I stand behind Justin's shoulder and I silently start praying. I tell God please to not take my baby away and that I would do anything to keep him alive. The Chaplin arrives, he starts talking to us amongst everything that is happening, it was strange but a rather comforting distraction. he asks us if we would like Lukas to be baptized, I say yes. The docters have managed to bring Lukas back. We are relieved, the chaplain then baptizes him with sterilized water and says a short prayer, he tells us we did a good thing. He then wishes us the best and leaves. Me and Justin stand over Lukas, hes so beautiful. The next couple of hours his sats are up and down, for awhile they are steady and even reach 100. We get a few visitors that day. Mum and Anjelina travel up with family friends. They don't stay for long, I ask mum if she would like to see Lukas but they were working on him and putting even more intravenous's. She could only see him from the door. I don't want Anjelina to see him. After an hour or so they leave. The evening arrives and he seems reasonably stable according to the sats, but then there is another problem. Hes bleeding too much from the intravenous needles and his blood isn't clotting, they tell us he needs plasma which then means more pricking and poking his fragile body. We retire to our room for an early night. We go to bed hopeful that in the morning everything will be ok. We fall asleep, I get up at about 2 am, I'm so achy and I need a shower. I then tell Justin I'm just going down to see how Lukas is doing. The docter says "good timing" as soon as I walked into the door. She was just about to get us...Lukas is not well. I walk back to our room, it seems miles away. My heart is shaking, I'm shaking. I tell Justin what the nurse just told me. My voice is filled with fear. He gets up, he curses, we walk down to his room together holding hands.
An Angle is Born
We are then told to give a statement of the events that happened, Justin does most of the talking as I am unable to think,the police tell us they are sorry and leave. We go back to the room, pack our things and head off home without Lukas.
Click here for Part 2 : Saying Goodbye